my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
