I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
