i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
