Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
