Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
