take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
