Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
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My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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