At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
