You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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