I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
