i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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