cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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