he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
