if you like me you must not know who I am
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I love having hate sex.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
