you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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