She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She bit a glass in half.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
