The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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