meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize