does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
