I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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