Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
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"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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