paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
