Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
