recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
