You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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