Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
