Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
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I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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