Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Come share oat with me in your robe
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
