If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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