i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
