i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
