I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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