Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
