Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
