Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
