Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
