I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
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the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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