So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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