I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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