Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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