OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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