Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
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IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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