So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
