her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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