My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
