I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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