There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
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mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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