don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
