and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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