i love accidental penises.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
