Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
