when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
