I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
