The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
