They should really pass out barf bags in church
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
