with your own penis?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
birth control should be required to get into college
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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