Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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