if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So vagazzling was a success
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
