if you like me you must not know who I am
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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