Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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