Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
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I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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