i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
