I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
