Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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