i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
God, I missed his penis.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
