You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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