PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
