So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
